Useless organ removed: An unidentified source at the George Washington University Hospital has provided evidence that Vice Pres. Dick Cheney secretly underwent a radical cardiectomy Monday night. The source said the surgery began about 3:20 AM and took about 50 minutes to perform.

“It was determined that the patient had no more use for the organ — had not used it in a long, long time,” said the source, who witnessed the removal of the vice president’s heart. “Plus, he needed to lose a little weight,” the source added.

The hospital staff member – who refused to be identified due to fear of “being disappeared to a black site prison” — also took a photo of the heart (shown above) which was described as “resembling a lump of coal.”

A spokesman for the hospital, Dr. Raji Guphta, refused to comment on any medical attention given the vice president except to confirm what had been reported earlier – that Cheney experienced shortness of breath and was given an EKG at about 3:00 AM.

However, when asked if a human being can live without a heart, Dr. Guphta replied, “No.”

A senior administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity due to “fear for the lives of my children,” would neither confirm nor deny that Cheney had his heart removed.