New Bolivian Leader Cuts Salary in Half
LA PAZ, Bolivia - New President Evo Morales cut his salary by half and ordered that no Cabinet minister collect a higher wage than his own, with the savings earmarked for hiring more public school teachers. In totally unrelated news, today the U.S. Congress voted itself a raise and cut education spending.

Chinese New Year Banquets Get Flashier
BEIJING - Picture this: Lobster cooked eight ways. Sharks’ fin bathed in a rich brown sauce. Stewed bird’s nest sweetened with apricots. Abalone braised until tender. The bill: $24,500. Getting your stomach pumped — priceless.

Vatican May Reach Out to Other Religions
VATICAN CITY - The Vatican is exploring whether to expand its Catholic-Jewish dialogue to include Muslims, although talks are at a very early stage, a Vatican official said Friday. He added that there are no plans to expand the dialogue to include American evangelical Christians. “We won’t parlay with a bunch of mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, Bible-thumping Jesus freaks,” he said.

Judge to Rule on Merit of Christ Case
VITERBO, Italy - An Italian judge heard arguments Friday on whether a small-town parish priest should stand trial for asserting that Jesus Christ existed. The priest could face additional charges for claiming that Jesus was a white man with long brown hair and blue eyes, “just like in the pictures.”

Activists Hold Separate Forum in Venezuela
CARACAS, Venezuela - The World Social Forum started as an alternative to the market-friendly World Economic Forum, but now there’s an alternative to the alternative. Call us when there’s an alternative to the alternative’s alternative.

Canada Reasserts Arctic Sovereignty
TORONTO - Canada’s next prime minister used his first news conference Thursday to tell the United States to mind its own business when it comes to territorial rights in the Arctic North. “Thanks to George Bush’s environmental policies, your part of the Arctic has already melted,” he added.