New Tomb Found in Valley of Kings
CAIRO, Egypt – American archaeologists have uncovered a pharaonic-era tomb in Egypt’s Valley of the Kings, the first uncovered there since King Tutankhamun’s in 1922, Egypt’s antiquities chief announced Wednesday. Zahi Hawass, head of the Supreme Council of Antiquities said, “Curse? what cur-aaaaiiiieeeee!!!”

Yer Out! No Baseball, Softball for 2012
TURIN, Italy – They’re out! Baseball and softball won’t be played at the 2012 London Olympics. Baseball and women’s softball remain on the program for the 2008 Beijing Games, and will be eligible to reapply for readmission to the 2016 games. The American sports have been replaced by cricket and pub darts for the London Games.

Chavez Calls Blair ‘Pawn of Imperialism’
CARACAS, Venezuela – Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez on Wednesday called British Prime Minister Tony Blair “a pawn of imperialism,” accusing him of siding with President Bush in a confrontation with Venezuela. Blair, known for his rapier-like wit when trading barbs with Parliament, replied, “I know I am, but what are you?”

Hezbollah Leader to Bush: ‘Shut Up’
BEIRUT, Lebanon – The leader of Hezbollah, heading a march by hundreds of thousands of Shiite Muslims Thursday, said President Bush and his secretary of state should “shut up” after they accused Syria and Iran of fueling protests over cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad. In the latest AP/IPSOS poll, six out of 10 Americans agree with Hezbollah that Bush and Rice both should just shut the hell up.