Ascension time: Spokesman for Jesus Jerry Falwell turns 73 today. We believe that’s a pretty good run and pray that the Omnipotent One will consider calling Falwell home to the bosom of Jesus so he’ll stop making mischief here on earth. Lord knows, he’s done enough.

While we’re on the subject, we fervently pray there’s a Katusha rocket out there with Pat Robertson’s name on it. He’s currently over in Israel checking on his investments and seeking signs of the Apocalypse — and giving interviews on Fox News. Lord, let Hezbollah be the instrument of Your Will and send Pat wherever he belongs for eternity.