Poll this, buddy: I have often cited John Zogby’s polls in Pensito Review knowing that he’s a Republican tool and conservative. I have done this because usually Zogby’s polls seem balanced, as in the late midterm elections when it was clear to anybody with sense what public opinion was, and Zogby had to call it as he saw it or look foolish.

Well, he’s over that, and he’s come out of the conservative closet, as it were, with his latest poll, which, he alleges, found that a majority of Americans would rather have a president with Ronald Reagan’s qualities than the empty 10-gallon hat we now have in the White House. Mr. Zogby, methinks thou hast hoisted truth on the petard of the poisoned poll. Consider his methods:

Offered thumbnail descriptions of the presidential qualities, including the names of five of the greatest American Presidents — George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, and Ronald Reagan — respondents nationwide said Reagan’s qualities are most sought after, with FDR a very close second. Twenty–eight percent said they would prefer someone like Reagan, whose “far-sighted vision” and who “persevered despite harsh criticism from enemies and was firm in pursuing his agenda.” Nearly as many (26 percent) said they preferred the “pragmatism and hopefulness of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who inspired a nation in trouble and championed the needs of the downtrodden.”

Another 21 percent said they think this is a time for Democrat John F. Kennedy, while 16 percent reached back to Abraham Lincoln in search of a leader to solve today’s modern problems. Just 6 percent said they think the nation — now at war around the world for five years — would be best served by George Washington, the man who led the war for independence.

It comes as no surprise Republican respondents overwhelmingly believe America is most in need of the guidance Reagan would provide — 57 percent of Republicans say the nation needs a president like Reagan, while 18 percent said it is time for a president with Lincoln’s attributes. But only 9 percent of Democrats believe the nation is in need of a president like Reagan. They would instead turn to Democratic presidents of the past to help solve the nation’s problems — 35 percent want to have a president like FDR, while 32 percent believe a president like Kennedy would be best able to lead America today.

Don’t you like how Zogby only shares selected “thumbnails” of the presidents’ traits? Since when did Reagan get “far-sighted?” Oh yeah, since his death and subsequent canonization. And “persevered despite harsh criticism from enemies and was firm in pursuing his agenda” sounds a lot like the numbskull who’s currently president. But some of us remember Reagan’s terrible record of fighting the AIDS epidemic of the 1980s, his harsh policies toward women and families, poor people, race relations, foreign policy (Iran/Contra), energy policy and general plain meanness. Reagan gave us Tom DeLay and Newt Gingrich, “Star Wars” weapons systems and Reaganomics.

I suppose we should be thankful that Zogby didn’t include genocidal maniac Andrew Jackson in his list, and it’s pretty clear why he didn’t include Richard Nixon (a crook and a Republican). I especially appreciate his characterization of Abraham Lincoln as a Republican even though the Republicans of Lincoln’s day in fact held liberal values one associates with the modern Democrat Party.

Zogby rounds out his poll with questions about the state and direction of the country (crisis; going to hell in a handbasket) about which almost everyone agrees. But as far as I am concerned, he already blew it by skewing the poll to further the sanctification of Ronald Reagan in the false memories of Americans, to whom Reagan seems like long-lost Grandpa, not the mean-ass vetoer of social legislation while quoting Clint Eastwood’s famous “make my day” line.

As the writer O. Henry once said, “Statistics are the lowest grade of information known to exist.” Zogby’s latest poll certainly fits that description.