It’s a Miracle: Rev. Ted Haggard Is ‘Completely Heterosexual’ Now

Here is good news for unhappy homos and homo-hating Christians alike. Rev. Ted Haggard has completed his therapy and apparently has forsworn consorting with male prostitutes forever. After only three weeks of therapy, he has been judged to be “completely heterosexual” now:

Evangelicals believe science has a liberal bias.

“He is completely heterosexual,” [said Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur, Colorado, one of four ministers who oversaw Haggard’s re-education therapy.] “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

“If we’re going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly,” he said. “We’re into this thing over 90 days and it hasn’t happened.”

Science, of course, says that sexual identity is engrained and immutable, and that no amount of guilt, recrimination or praying away the gay can change it. Of course, Evangelicals like Rev. Haggard believe science has a liberal bias, as Stephen Colbert put it.

No word on whether Haggard addressed the issues behind his and his wife’s admitted use of crystal methadrine.

8 Comments

  • nikolai
    February 6, 2007 - 2:16 pm | Permalink

    Tim Ralph, huh? Never trust a man with two first names. Here’s what really happened:
    Ralph: HEAL!(smack) ALLELUJAH! BE HEALED, YOU UNHOLY LITTLE FAG!
    Haggard: ALLELUJAH! I’M HEALED! PRAISE THE ALMIGHTY DOLLAR… ER, AH, I MEAN, PRAISE ALMIGHTY GAWD!

  • Ann
    February 6, 2007 - 2:23 pm | Permalink

    Science really says that? I’m surprised, since so little is actually known about what determines sexual preference. Maybe you mean something else by “sexual identity”?
    I certainly don’t believe the fundamentalists, but I suspect that preference is, indeed, mutable–or at least not strictly “one or the other.”

  • February 6, 2007 - 3:37 pm | Permalink

    Ann, I actually edited out a paragraph about this that I probably should have left in. I’m referring to Kinsey and others who believe that sexuality is defined on spectrum, where 0 denotes completely straight and six denotes completely gay.

    It’s one’s relative position on the scale that is immutable. Personally, I’m a Kinsey 6 and do believe it is an immutable, engrained part of who I am.

    Haggard is probably a Kinsey 2 or 3. My assertion is that he can’t change that – he can deny it and suppress it but this proclivity will always be a part of him.

  • Dave
    February 7, 2007 - 2:09 pm | Permalink

    He’s hyprocite.

  • Greg Bacon
    February 8, 2007 - 6:16 am | Permalink

    Maybe they used phrase from their Bible during Teddie’s remarkable cure,like:
    “Let my ROD and STAFF be a comfort unto thee”

    and

    “Satan, get thee behind me”

  • Ann
    February 8, 2007 - 6:41 pm | Permalink

    OK, Jon–I think I know what you mean now. But isn’t the notion of the scale sort of self-fulfilling? For example, couldn’t someone go along thinking he’s immutably a 2 UNTIL he’s unexpectedly attracted to a man, and then say “OK I guess I’m a 4 or 5”? Does that mean it’s mutable, or that he was wrong?
    You can say definitively that something is mutable, but you can’t say definitively that something is IMmutable. Sort of like proving a negative, I think. One is certainly the best judge of one’s own preferences, but I don’t think that proves immutability.
    This is all irrelevant to me, actually, because I wouldn’t care if being gay WERE a choice. It’s certainly less a choice than religion is! And Haggard is immutably an ass.

  • anjo
    February 10, 2007 - 2:14 am | Permalink

    why are christians constantly obsessing about sex, gender and genitals? sheeesh don’t they have other things to worry and pray about ex: hunger,famine, millions of orphans , overpopulation, degradation of the environment, pollution, global warming,poverty to name a few. WHY IS THEIR MORALITY SO CENTERED AROUND WHO IS HAVING SEX WITH WHO. I GUESS to the fundamentalist , evangelicals and their ilk, being a heterosexual drug dealer is better than being a homosexual philantropist — talk about a sick and twisted religion!

    On the other hand perhaps here is a wonderful opportunity for gay and liberal churches to open themselves and take pity on this wretched individual and offer to ‘deprogram’ him and save him from further auto-ruination ( o.k. i made this word up LOL ). In order to atone for their years of spewing out venom and being implicitly involved in the persecution , alienation and marginalization of minority groups like gays, lesbians and transgender people ( courtesy of their minority bashing intolerant evangelical preachings), both Haggard and his wife should work for the rest of their life in the counseling and succor ( not sucker LOL) of gay ,lesbian and transgender people who are recovering from the trauma and hurt of wicked and evil christian oppresion, marginalization,injury and ruination.

    Haleluja, amen and amen
    Anjo – a child of the Cosmos

  • February 10, 2007 - 10:03 am | Permalink

    Ann – I think the theory goes that there are seven degrees on the scale but only three types: straight (0), bisexual (1-5) and gay (6).

    A bisexual’s preference for male or female partners changes over time but his (or her) bisexuality is an immutable part of his pyche. The degree of attraction is not important in the big picture.

    Kinsey believed that most people are bisexual, but that these desires are suppressed by societal pressures.

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