Cuba Creating Mega Death Ray Technology to Repel Impending U.S. Invasion

Maybe something was lost in translation, but I think the reporter for Agence France Presse must have gotten something wrong in the story about Cuba beefing up its weapons to repel a U.S. invasion. Or maybe the original story was written by the former Bat Boy story editor from the recently defunct Weekly World News.

But it was posted on, so it must be true, right?

Weapon systems that have been upgraded in precision targeting and destructive capabilities include munitions, grenades, land mines and anti-tank rockets.

Cuba has been upgrading its military arsenal since President Fidel Castro fell ill 13 months ago, to defend itself against a possible U.S. invasion, senior officers told Trabajadores weekly on August 27.

Ah-ha! I knew it. Translated from Trabajadores weekly to Agence France Presse, then to English. Get a load of this stilted, yet oddly meaningless quote:

“In the irregular combat we would face in Cuba in case of an invasion, the engineering, infantry and artillery systems we produce and repair here are of vital importance, because they’re designed for the aggressor’s direct assault,” said Lt. Col. Pascual Machado, chief coordinator of Cuba’s Military Industrial Firm (EMI).

Huh? Sounds like somebody’s been using Babelfish again. But if true, these developments would be, well really scary:

Weapon systems that have been upgraded in precision targeting and destructive capabilities include munitions, grenades, land mines and anti-tank rockets, Trabajadores said.

As an example, the weekly said a laser-guided targeting system called VLMA has boosted the AK-M automatic rifle’s precision by 80 percent to 90 percent, regardless of the shooter’s skill level.

Wait, aren’t these the same people who are still driving 1950s-era cars? Of course, I suppose if you can keep a Chevy running for 50 years, you could probably build a laser-guided targeting system out of old sardine cans and some bailing wire. And wait, what was the accuracy of the AK-M rifle before it got the VLMA and increased 80 percent up to 90 percent, 10 percent? Or did something get mangled between Spanish, French and English?

One thing the Cubans do have for their fancy-schmancy weapons system is a cool name:

Raul Castro said special military operation Caguairan, put in place following Fidel Castro’s illness, would finish at the end of 2008 — U.S. presidential elections take place in November of next year.

Caguairan is either a province in Cuba that contains Guantanamo, the name of a local tree or, translated with a little latitude, means “mega death ray” in Spanish. I guess we’ll find out around election time next year, because everybody knows the best time to invade a Third World dictatorship is just after the presidential elections when the minds of most Americans are occupied by Florida’s latest vote scandal, and, after all, George W. Bush will still be president ….

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