“Should I give little Mary the latest Shakira CD and little Johnny the Resident Evil 4 game, and thereby offend the Lord God our Father in Heaven and condemn myself and my children to everlasting suffering in the lower depths of Hell?”

According to the latest Barna Group survey, Bible-banging parents across the land will be stressing like maniacs during the 2007 Xmas Shopping Season as they try to remain relevant to their children while at the same time adhering to their 2,000-year-old superstitions. Whether it was music CDs, movie DVDs, computer games, magazines or computer software, about one in three Christians was not comfortable with the contents of the media gift they gave their little angels. And almost three-quarters refused to buy mobile phone downloads from Satan for their children.

Sadly, this Christmas season will produce enormous stress for numerous Christian parents who don’t want to disappoint either God or their children.
— George Barna

Here’s what George Barna has to say about Christian Xmas Stress Syndrome (I just made that up — catchy, ain’t it):

The process of selecting appropriate Christmas presents for children is a microcosm of the spiritual tension millions of Christian adults wrestle with. Many Christian parents are striving to serve two conflicting masters: society and God. They refuse to believe that they cannot satisfy both. Sadly, this Christmas season will produce enormous stress for numerous Christian parents who don’t want to disappoint either God or their children, but whose ultimate choices will disappoint both God and themselves, while providing gifts that are not be in the best interests of their children. For Christians, the Christmas season should be a time of celebration and appreciation of the life of Jesus Christ. Instead, that joy is being minimized by the pressure and confusion introduced by our focus on material consumption and fulfillment.

Man, are there any more annoying and unforgiving masters than society and God?

The Xmas Shopping Season already is stressful enough without throwing eternal damnation into the mix, but what is a Christian parent to do if they don’t want to become irrelevant to their teenager?

Opt out. I mean, by most accounts, you’ve already missed Baby Jesus’ birthday, which was probably in October or November. And if Baby Jesus is the Reason for the Season, then it seems just bad manners to celebrate the Son of God’s birthday late. There’s your out, Christian parental unit: “Sorry, kids, we missed Baby Jesus’ birthday, so no Satanic media presents for you this year. Now, go in the backyard and flagellate yourselves with birch branches until I call you in for supper.”

There, no stressing about the content of the new R.Kelly CD or whether the kids will understand the themes of death and homosexuality in “Little Miss Sunshine.” No presents equals no stress equals parental irrelevancy but saves the souls of Mommy, Daddy and the kids. If all Christians who felt a little squeamish about giving their 14-year-old daughter a Cosmo subscription or little Timmy a transformer action figure (because after all, it’s a doll, and what message does it send?) opted out of the Xmas Shopping Season, a whole lotta souls would be saved, not to mention about $1 billion, according to Barna.

So go on, you’ve already missed Jesus’ birthday, no since in pissing off the Old man, too, by giving deviled presents.

This has been the first in an ongoing Pensito Review series called “War on Xmas.” Because we believe that there is no reason for the season except to redistribute wealth from the poorer to the richer, increase the rate of personal debt, raise the collective blood pressure of the nation and create a whole bunch of waste while expanding the carbon footprint of most households in America through purposeless over-consumption of natural resources and energy.