According to an Associated Press report, more than 7 million letters to Santa Claus will be sent this year by hopeful little children. Those letters are likely to be answered by demented postal workers bent on perpetuating the myth of Santa in a worldwide conspiracy that includes more than 150 countries.

The bearded gentleman — also known as St. Nicholas, Father Christmas, Pere Noel and dozens of other names worldwide — will receive more than 6 million letters in the mail this year, the U.N. agency that connects national post offices said Tuesday.

And that’s not counting the United States, where the U.S. Postal Service says it handles a million letters yearly to Santa.

‘It matters little where Santa lives; he is evidently everywhere.’
— Universal Postal Union

In at least 20 countries, postal workers collect and respond to letters addressed to “North Pole,” which otherwise would be stamped “undeliverable” or “address unknown.”

“It matters little where Santa lives; he is evidently everywhere,” the Universal Postal Union said.

This is the first I’ve heard of the Universal Postal Union, but it sounds like an organization just made to perpetuate a myth globally. The UPU was formed in 1874 in Berne, Switzerland, and is an offshoot of the United Nations. Here’s how it describes its nefarious mission:

The UPU has for objective to develop social, cultural and commercial communication between people through the efficient operation of the postal service. As an inter-governmental institution, the UPU is called upon to play an important leadership role in promoting the continued revitalisation of postal services.

There you have it — a global group that’s trying to get people to send more letters, even letters to mythological creatures in flying sleighs. How big is the conspiracy? It’s huge:

Finland, whose northern Lapland frontier claims to be the home of the real Santa, receives the most mail from abroad and responds to children in 150 countries.

Canada’s postal service replies in 26 languages and Germany’s Deutsche Post writes back in 16.

France handles the most letters in total with over 1.22 million sent to Pere Noel last year. It is followed by Canada, with 1.06 million; Britain and Finland, 750,000 each; Germany, 500,000; Portugal, 255,000; and Spain, 232,000.

The U.S. Postal Service has been answering Santa’s letters the longest, since 1912. USPS spokesman Larry Dozier in Los Angeles said the service answers about 1 million letters to Santa each year.

And those are just the letters with return addresses. Who knows how many end up in the Dead Letter Office? But that’s not even the worst of it. Kids in Ukraine who send Santa a letter by Jan. 10 are entered into — get this — a national LOTTERY. Yep, write a letter to a mythological creature and you can legally GAMBLE!

So it’s not the Xmas cards that people send this time of year that delays delivery of my Mother Jones magazine, it’s all those brats begging for Xboxes and Wiis and iPhones and iPods and Barbie dolls, etc.

The best thing we, as the older, wiser generation can do for these misguided tots jonesing for toys is tell it to them straight: “No, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus. Now, shut up and go play with your lump of coal.”