Campaigns Explained

For those of you non-wonks (of course if you weren’t a wonk, you probably wouldn’t be reading this, but let’s just pretend), there’s a great glossary at The Onion. Astound your friends with your high-level political acumen after brushing up. Here’s a sample.

absentee ballot
A form of voting that does not involve the inconvenience of having to get up off the couch and walk to a high school gymnasium.

caucus
The process by which Americans are quadrennially reminded of Iowa’s existence.

convention
The best four-day-long chance a politically active, overweight Kia salesman from Tulsa has to nail one of them blond Fox anchors.

election worker
A male or female at least 70 years of age.

electoral college
A process by which the number of states in the Union is narrowed down to the most important seven or eight.

hope
An intangible object within every American that is destroyed every four years in November.

lobbyist
A better-paid legislator.

MoveOn.org
A company offering routine tests of your e-mail’s spam filter.

political consultants
Individuals who are very savvy politically, but don’t have enough hair to run for office themselves.

voter apathy
The reason most American politicians are able to achieve and maintain office.

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