Carl Hiaasen’s Letter to Sarah Palin from Her Publisher

paprlinIf you missed Carl Hiaasen’s send-up of Sarah Palin’s autobiography via a fictional letter from her publisher, here are the high points. We just wish the part about John McCain duct-taping her mouth was true. Enjoy.

(Confidential response of Sarah Palin’s book editor to the first draft of her upcoming memoir, “Going Rogue”):

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for turning in the manuscript so quickly. I thought only Stephen King could crank out 400 pages in four months! Seriously, there’s some terrific material here, and all of us at Harper Collins are thrilled to be publishing your life story.

Before we move ahead, the fact-checking department has asked me to pass along a few notes and comments that may require some revisions on your part.

1. Eric Clapton spells his last name with a C.

More significantly, his publicists tell us that you were not the inspiration for Layla, and that he doesn’t recall ever having an affair with you.

Is it possible you’ve got him confused with another rock star?

2. The mainland of Russia is indeed visible from parts of western Alaska during favorable weather conditions in the Bering Straits. Considering the ridicule you endured over this issue during the campaign, your desire to set the record straight is understandable.

Still, 78 pages is a big chunk of the book. Perhaps it’s possible to deal with the I-can-see-Russia controversy a bit more succinctly.

3. Our researchers can find no evidence that Tina Fey belongs to the Taliban. Could you send us the sourcing for that reference?

4. John McCain’s campaign staff is vehemently denying the incident you describe in Chapter 13. Perhaps you could provide our legal department with the names of persons who actually witnessed the senator placing the duct tape over your mouth.

5. Even though you quit with 18 months remaining in your term, your achievements as Alaska’s governor will be of great interest to your readers and political supporters.

How about expanding that section of the book to a full chapter?

…9. Our copy editors are still struggling to sort out the many colorful characters in your manuscript. In one chapter the children are called Bristol, Piper, Track, Willow and Trig, yet only 44 pages later they appear as Caribou, Cessna, Herring, Juniper and Scrod.

Maybe you could check with Todd and get back to us on that.

10. “Mexican” is not a language. (See manuscript page 188).

…14. Tony Blair was the prime minister of Great Britain. Tony Orlando is an American pop singer. (See manuscript page 341).

…keep up the great writing, Sarah. We can’t wait to read the finished book!

6 Responses »

  1. patrick mercer November 9, 2009 @ 6:18 am

    What about the letter from Tom Robbins?

  2. […] in motion November 9, 2009 Carl Hiaasen, eminent muckraker and novelist, reveals to the world a secret communication between Sarah Palin and the publisher of her soon-to-be excreted […]

  3. ral November 9, 2009 @ 8:20 am

    Hey – you know what Rush Limpballs says, “It’s funny cause it’s true. Or, “It’s true cause it’s funny”. Whatever.

  4. ed-words November 9, 2009 @ 8:48 am

    Very good material!

    “I can see my bank from my window.”

  5. Tom McGurk November 9, 2009 @ 2:50 pm

    How could she have completed this book so quickly? She has always been such a deep thinker.
    Anyway, I will always remember her fondly; standing on guard by her kitchen window, wrapped only in the American flag, protecting all of us from the Russians.
    A strong motherly image, yet somehow strangly eroctic.
    OMG, Sigmund was right!

  6. Sez Me November 9, 2009 @ 8:39 pm

    Sir,
    With regard to item 5, above.
    “””””Even though you quit with 18 months remaining in your term, your achievements as Alaska‚Äôs governor will be of great interest to your readers and political supporters.

    How about expanding that section of the book to a full chapter?”””””

    Please correct typo. Request was for her to expand that section of her book to a “full paragraph.”

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