Chavez warns Ahmadinejad about HAARP.

State-run newspapers and television channels in Venezuela are “reporting” that last week’s earthquake in Haiti was the result of the United States deploying a secret “weapon of earthquakes,” according to ElDiarioExterior.com. The reason? To make it a protectorate, silly, which explains why we’ve been quick with the troops and slow with the soup.

But wait, that’s not all!

The reason the U.S. military would shoot an earthquake at Haiti is because Haiti made a nice target to practice on before we turn our doomsday gun on our absolute worst enemy in the world. But more on that later.

On the website of Radio Nacional de Venezuela (RNV) are published statements of the university professor, Vladimir Acosta, a regular contributor to the media controlled by the government of Hugo Chávez, accusing the U.S. of wanting to make Haiti a protectorate under the guise of the natural disaster. But to further the conspiracy theory, Acosta argued that “we have the worrisome suspicion that this earthquake may be associated with the project called HAARP, a system that can generate violent and unexpected changes in climate.”

In the same line of “reporting,” live public television delves into the theory to say that the aim was to test the weapon for later use against Iran.The television station is defined on its website as “a means of communication of the Venezuelan state, educational, cultural and information that promotes participatory democracy, solidarity and Latin American integration from a new paradigm of communication in line with the new model political, economic and social system established in the constitution of the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela.”

— online Google translation from Spanish

And how do the Venezuelans know this? The Russians told them, so you know it’s true.

As the channel Vive, a case report of the Russian Northern Fleet “would indicate that the earthquake that devastated Haiti was the ‘clear results’ of a test of the U.S. Navy through one of its ‘weapons of earthquakes.’”

And how do they know it’s true? Because why else would the U.S. Southern Command have Gen. P.K. Keen on the ground in Haiti at the time of the attack, er, quake? Because they knew it was going to devastate the country, and we could then move in troops and military material under the guise of humanitarian aid.

And, if one is to believe President Hugo Chavez’ media operatives, the Russian Navy also blamed the October 2008 earthquake in Sichuan Province, China, on the United States. Seems to me, we’re getting pretty handy with this HAARP thingy that’s able to create “climate anomalies to cause floods, droughts and hurricanes.”

So why are we taking potshots at China and Haiti with this incredibly powerful weapon (and could Katrina have been a ricochet?)? If you’re a chavista, it’s obvious:

The objective “end” of all the alleged evidence would be “the destruction of Iran through a series of earthquakes designed to topple the current Islamic regime.”

What do you say we make our next practice target, oh, I don’t know — Venezuela???