Terror on Bullshit Mountain! Daily Show Takes on Media Lies about CBO Report on Obamacare

Rough Transcript from Daily Kos:

Video 1:

So, the three main talking points against Obamacare are, according to the CBO, not true. I think we know what this means.

(in pirate voice) Ay! The storm clouds gathered quickly that day on the Bullshit Mountain. As word spread that this new Obamacare act would help end job lock! A scourge affecting many families who don’t take entrepreneurial chances, or who stay in dead-end jobs so that the tumor on their arse doesn’t leave them homeless.

In fact, job lock is something the residents of Bullshit Mountain used to oppose.

REP. PAUL RYAN, R-WI (5/20/2009): The key question that ought to be addressed in any health care reform legislation is, are we going to continue job lock, or are we going to allow individuals more choice and portability to fit the 21st century work force?

Geez, more choice, that sounds like it would be pretty good. And what will become of that statement, now that we find out that the new health care law does just that?

REP. PAUL RYAN, R-WI (2/5/2014): Because of government policies, as the welfare state expands, the incentive to work declines.

NEIL CAVUTO (2/4/2014): So it actually incentivizes indifference.
STUART VARNEY (2/4/2014): Now it’s free medical care thrown at extra millions of people who have an incentive to go on that and not work.

LOU DOBBS (2/4/2014): The government is effectively incentivizing Americans to stop working.

You know, like Social Security incentivizes Americans to not die at their job. (audience laughter)

Well hey, it’s nice to witness the birth of a new talking point. And if giving someone health care is all that it takes to get people to stop showing up to work, I don’t know why we don’t chip in and get Lou Dobbs some health care! (audience laughter and applause)

Video 2.

And you won’t believe what these lazy poors — who’ve been sitting around biding their time at their two jobs just waiting for the day they could ride the Uncle Sugar train to Medicaid town — are going to do with their newfound windfall.

STUART VARNEY (2/5/2014): Obamacare is a disincentive to work. The CBO admitted it this afternoon. Why don’t you just spend more time with the family, let somebody else work, you go on Obamacare? … Stay home, spend more time with the family, let somebody else pay for your health care!

(sarcastically) Yes! Spend time with your family. Help raise your children in a more hands-on fashion. Create stability. Mehhh. (audience laughter)

What the hell?? You’re conservatives! I thought you guys loved family!

SEN. MARCO RUBIO, R-FL (8/30/2012): Family is the most important institution in society.

MONICA CROWLEY (10/1/2013): … the good core family unit …

SEN. MIKE LEE, R-UT (10/11/2013): Protecting the family is the single most important part of our agenda.

The most important! The family must be protected from asteroids, nuclear weapons, dudes in love! They have to be protected!

But now that I think about it, when family clashes with capitalism around the holidays, conservatives throw family overboard. Yo capitalism, I got your back, bro.

HEATHER CHILDERS (11/28/2013): Many retailers are opening their doors this Thanksgiving, not even waiting for Black Friday.

GRETCHEN CARLSON (11/26/2013): For a long time into my career, I worked on the holidays, cuz that’s the way it worked.

FOX NEWS GUEST (11/28/2013): If you’re a retailer, you open your doors because that’s when people go out, that’s when they spend. And guess what? It’s not so much like ditching your family. One of my favorite things to do is go with the family. That way, everybody spends money, we create capitalism, and keep this economy going.

(audience laughter)

No, no, he’s right. Some of my fondest memories as a child were… creating capitalism with my father. (audience laughter and applause) You know, it’s interesting, I remember he used to come in my room and he’d go:

“Hey son, wanna go out and create consumer confidence in the bricks and mortar retail sector of the economy?”

“Gee, you mean it, Pops, do you mean it?”

“I sure do, son. Grab some liquidity, and meet me downstairs. Oh, and by the way, I’m not banging your nanny, I’m exploring burgeoning markets.”

(audience laughter and applause)

And the cash in the cradle and the silver spoon….

In fact, watch this LEGO news anchor….

Watch this LEGO news anchor try and teach his co-host the true meaning of the holidays.

11/28/2013:

HARRIS FAULKNER: I’m down with the closing the stores on Thanksgiving. It’s enough already. I’m serious.

GREGG JARRETT: Really? Seriously?

HARRIS FAULKNER: Why are you surprised?

GREGG JARRETT: Free enterprise?

HARRIS FAULKNER: You know, look, people should be at home with their families. That’s just my little opinion. I’m not the law in this.

GREGG JARRETT: OK. I just was thinking of capitalism and free markets and letting people do what they want to do.

(shocked audience laughter)

Somehow, “I think people should spend Thanksgiving with their families” turns into “well, I guess if you’re a Communist….” (audience laughter) Because apparently, on Bullshit Mountain, corporations aren’t just people, they’re better people than you. Corporations are the good people, not the jackass two-legged kind, who don’t want to man the perfume counter at Macy’s cuz it’s “Christmas Eve”. It’s just like that inspiring scene in Braveheart.

WILLIAM WALLACE: They can take our lives, but they can never take OUR FREEDOM TO WORK AT BEST BUY OVER THE HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!

OVERTIME!!!!!

(wild audience cheering and applause)

We’ll be right back.

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