Wiggum and Greer: the resemblance is more than skin deep.

We noticed the resemblance between The Simpsons’ Mr. Burns and former Vice President Dick Cheney a long time ago. But it wasn’t until Jim Greer, the chair of the Republican Party of Florida (RPOF), started the interview circuit that we figured out where we’d seen him before. The porcine Mr. Greer used a ridiculous — and now largely disavowed by other Republicans — claim that the president is trying to indoctrinate school children into a socialist regime by urging them to study and stay in school as a way of deflecting criticism of his use of donor money here in Florida.

In using the “I know I am but what about you” defense, Greer reminded us of Springfield’s chief of police, Clancy Wiggum, who never seems to be responsible for any of the town’s egregious law enforcement debacles. Wiggum once broadcast this warning, which was about as helpful as most of the things Jim Greer says: “This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a…car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.”

Other gems from Wiggum:

• Oh, sure. We’d all love some real friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?
• I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
• Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!

Greer’s tortured missives are as logically challenged as Wiggum’s. This is the actual first tenet of “GOP Principles” on the RPOF’s web site:

I Believe… The proper function of government is to do for the people those things that have to be done but cannot be done, or cannot be done as well, by individuals, and that the most effective government is government closest to the people.

The Wiggumisms continue in the same document:

I Believe… In equal right, equal justice and equal opportunity for all, regardless of race, creed, age, sex or national origin.

After all, who needs more than one right anyway? I mean you can only use one at a time. But the best Republican/Wiggumian belief, in 2009, has to be this one:

I Believe… The free enterprise and the encouragement of individual initiative and incentive have given this nation an economic system second to none.

Case closed.

Now Star magazine is confirming that there is trouble in the marriage. The tabloid’s sources are a bit less than impeccable, however. They include Mercede Johnston, the sister of Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin’s baby-daddy, and an unnamed “Alaska insider.”

One interesting nugget: The Star claims that in its print edition, which is in supermarkets now, it has photos of Willow Palin, 15, drinking vodka and smoking pot at a party. In June, Palin turned a joke by David Letterman about Bristol Palin, 18 and, as noted, an unwed mother, getting knocked up by Alex Rodriguez into a five-day scandal by claiming Letterman was actually referring to Willow.

Besides being unrelentingly partisan and awfully casual with written English, Republican Party of Florida Chairman Jim Greer usually is pretty careful about what he says, even if he’s careless about how he says it. But yesterday he sent out a fund-raising e-mail that, to use the polite term, distorts the current debate over health care and its nasty little sub-issue, abortion.

Here’s what Greer wrote:

Friends,

We have all seen and heard countless news stories, television interviews and advertisements regarding President Obama’s plan for a government-run health care system. It’s hard to keep track of what the bill actually does, especially since most lawmakers, like President Obama, haven’t read the massive piece of legislation, and other leading Democrats, including Florida Gubernatorial Candidate Alex Sink, won’t take a position on it. But I read something today that is worth sharing.

Today the Associated Press reported that the health care plan currently supported by President Obama and the Democrats would allow for taxpayer funded abortions. As the father of four children, I can’t imagine living in a nation where citizens willfully allow their tax dollars to fund abortion. The fact that liberal lawmakers and media pundits have ignored this portion of the legislation is deeply disturbing and has reaffirmed my belief that we must join together to put a stop to it.

He then proceeds to solicit contributions to protect “our tax dollars from funding abortion.”

Greer doesn’t bother to provide a link to the AP story because he doesn’t really want his readers to read it, preferring that they simply take his word for it that the Obama health care plan lifts all restrictions on federal funding of abortions. As is typical in these situations where Republicans reduce the most complex issues down to a sound bite that their mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging dittoheads can parrot, it’s a lot more complicated than that.

The article, titled “Gov’t insurance would allow coverage of abortion,” is, despite the headline, seems to be a pretty comprehensive and balanced piece. It provides some insight into the process of writing such a massive piece of legislation: there is agreement, disagreement, discussion, compromise and intractability on the issue among members of congress. Lawmakers are depicted as trying to get a workable piece of law that protects federal funding of abortion at its current level — in cases of rape, incest or when the mother’s life is endangered — without opening the gates to cover all abortions everywhere.

The fact is, federal dollars currently fund abortions under very specific conditions, but facts like that don’t inspire largess.

Of course, if you’re Jim Greer seeking to shock some Republican loyalists into writing checks, you need read no further than the article’s headline to know all you need to know — and you need to tell — about the topic. It may not be lying exactly, but it certainly is not telling the truth.

Unfortunately, the RNC remains determined not to allow conversation on the issue. When callers dialed the RNC phone number given in the video, they were prompted to press 1 to speak to an RNC representative, but instead the RNC redirected those calls to the DNC’s telephone number.

DNC spokesman Brad Woodhouse described the RNC’s redirection to CNN as a “neat trick”:

“The RNC is inciting angry mobs to shout out legitimate discussion at public events across the country and now they want to ignore people who deplore their tactics,” Woodhouse said. “Republicans don’t want to have a discussion about the future of health care reform — they want to shout out — and now completely ignore — anyone who disagrees with them.”

According to the Washington Independent, RNC Chair Michael Steele took full credit for the prank:

[This was in] response, said Steele, to the White House arrogantly blaming regular Americans “like my mother, like my sister” for the health care impasse.

“I thought it was a good idea,” Steele said. “Don’t sit there and think you’re going to direct a bunch of angry liberals to call the RNC when I know full well what that’s all about. I get the joke. My response was, talk to your own party, because they’re the ones ginning this up.”

Typically, the Republican Party remains unaccountable for its obstructionism and unaccounted for in the essential debate over health care.

RPOF Chair Jim Greer maintains length, not girth, counts.

Not satisfied with losing a bunch of elections last November as well as a whole bunch of formerly loyal members from every level, the Republican Party of Florida (RPOF) appears to be trying to finish the job through what looks from the outside like a purge of, gasp! — Libertarians. At least that’s what one of Trish’s correspondents alleged was happening last Friday.

That day the RPOF’s Grievance Committee met in Orlando to do something — it’s not clear exactly what, even after they explained it in another one of their famous press releases where every paragraph is quote-marked — that was so heinous that Chairman Jim Greer stayed far away from the meeting, geographically distancing himself from something that morally he couldn’t actually wipe off.

It’s worthwhile to note here that Greer was handpicked by Gov. Charlie “One Term Wonder” Crist to lead the state Republican Party. Both men are coming under fire for what seems to be a party that is rapidly becoming as irrelevant as Sarah Palin.

Let’s let the RPOF tell us what the Grievance Committee does, according to its chairman, Tony DiMatteo (superfluous quote marks retained):

“The Grievance Committee is comprised (sic) of members of the RPOF State Executive Committee. Our involvement with the RPOF is in a volunteer capacity. Grievances are a formal complaint from one member of the Republican Party of Florida’s county leadership structure to another member of the county leadership structure. All grievances originate at the county level and are filed with the State Party and then referred to the Grievance Committee.

“All parties involved are informed that a grievance as been filed, and given ample time to prepare for the Grievance Committee Hearing. At the hearing, the petitioner and the respondent are given an opportunity to present their arguments. In the weeks following the meetings, the committee members compile a recommendation for final resolution on each grievance and then present the recommendation to Chairman Greer.

“Several recent news stories have mentioned a “purge” of certain members of county Republican Executive Committees. There is no ‘purge.’ To date, Chairman Greer has only removed one person from the leadership structure of the State Party. The removal came at the unanimous recommendation of the Grievance Committee. Contrary to what has been reported, there have been numerous circumstances when the committee has recommended removal and the Chairman has chosen not to remove a member.”

And what does it mean when the Grievance Committee recommends you be kicked out? Oh, maybe that was a poor choice of words:

“Additionally, the grievances in question do not “kick-out” members of the Republican Party. The parties involved with the grievances are members of the Republican Party of Florida’s leadership structure. Like any organization, we have an obligation to our members to ensure that our leadership abides by the rules of the organization. Our formal grievance process is the mechanism for this review of the conduct of Republican leaders. A removed member is still a Republican and eligible to participate in Republican activities, but prohibited from holding a leadership position for a set amount of time.”

That all seems pretty cut and dried, but then DiMatteo goes off the rails a bit regarding the sanctity of the privacy of the Star Chamber, er, I mean Grievance Committee:

“The RPOF Grievance Committee heard two grievances today. The private meeting was closed to the media for the benefit of those involved, as well as members of the grievance committee, who are all private citizens serving in a volunteer capacity. Like any organization, we have a right to conduct this internal party business in private. This is a political party, not a public entity. As private citizens with full time jobs and lives outside of politics, the members of the grievance committee request the courtesy to conduct this private political business without having our images spread all over television and the newspapers without our permission. Over the past several weeks, the State Party has been more than willing to speak to media outlets about this process, while keeping the specific details of the grievances private for the sake of those involved; however, today’s meeting was private, and it would not have been appropriate to discuss the proceedings.” (emphasis added)

Man, he seems kind of touchy about the whole privacy thing. To hear Greer tell it, though, he’s being made the victim of the process for giving local leaders more say in the state organization. This is from Friday’s Palm Beach Post:

This weekend, Greer is staying far from Orlando, where a party committee will hear grievances filed by county leaders who want some dissidents kicked out of the party. Even some party faithful accuse Greer of orchestrating the purge.

Greer says he’s to blame for giving locals more power and an opportunity to speak out on the issues.

“What ends up happening as you open this can of worms up, as you create all these avenues for discussion, you also create the avenues for people to cause trouble,” he said. But he contends he has nothing to do with the grievances filed by the local executive committees.

“I don’t think that the party has anywhere near the problems that some are promoting in the state,” Greer said. “In fact, I think this party in Florida is very strong, and I see it each and every day.”

Other Republican leaders are less glib than Greer when it comes to predicting the future of the RPOF:

“It would be hard to imagine us being any more impotent than we appear to be right at this point,” said former state GOP Chairman Tom Slade, who led the party from 1993 to 1999. That was the time when Republicans seized control of the legislature and sent Jeb Bush to the governor’s office.

Ouch! Now that’s hitting below the belt! Heck, we know Republicans aren’t impotent. They can “hike the Appalachian Trail” and “cross the line” and “seek spiritual counsel” with the best of ‘em.

Well, it’s clear the RPOF is in trouble. Charlie Crist is bailing on the governorship and he’s accumulating money from special interests like a dog collects fleas and he’s not risking taking a position on an issue until he can tell which side the profit’s on. He kowtowed to developers and real estate interests last week when he signed Senate Bill 360 that eviscerated Florida’s Growth Management Act and paves the way for developers to pave the rest of the Everglades while saddling local municipalities with the costs of running roads and water lines and sewage lines to the new Swampy Acres development.

Several studies have found that the Republican Party nationally is hemorrhaging members from every segment except those who attend church regularly. And now you’ve got this mess as some party members are seen as “libertarians,” not Republicans, and must be demoted from leadership positions.

I think DiMatteo summed it up best:

“In closing, this process and the publicity it has received at the hands of those involved, certainly detracts from the true business of the RPOF, which is getting Republicans elected.”

Well, duh! So just stop already.

Read the report card, then see how we graded the graders below.

Here’s how we graded the RPOF’s performance:

SUBJECT: Statistics. COMMENTS: RPOF assessed Mr. Obama’s math skills by using unattributed statistics to make its point, and for extra credit, threw in the technique of using truncated statistics by starting the clock on job loss (and economic troubles in general) on Jan. 20, 2009. In its health assessment the RPOF attributes its statistics to bolster its illogical argument. In assessing his finance performance, the RPOF eschews statistics completely — a masterful use of the dismal science. There are lies, damned lies and statistics, and nobody lies as well as the Republican Party. GRADE: A+.

SUBJECT: Rhetoric. COMMENTS: While assessing Mr. Obama’s history performance, the RPOF deftly moved the focus from his domestic cabinet-level “czar” appointments to connect them to the spread of communism across Europe in the 20th century. In dwelling on the easily ridiculed word, “czar” and ignoring the fact that Obama is not the first president to appoint them, they employ a cheap shot. Such skillful use of what appears on the surface to be logic deserves the highest marks. GRADE: A+

SUBJECT: Civics. COMMENTS: By portraying Mr. Obama as never missing a basket when playing basketball while being totally uninformed about North Korea, the RPOF uses two tried and true racist assumptions about African Americans — they are intellectually inferior, yet physically superior, to whites. For the added underlying message that Obama’s race and inexperience pose a threat to national security by invoking the specter of North Korea, they get extra credit. GRADE: A++.

SUBJECT: English. COMMENTS: The RPOF, FOX News and most talk radio hosts fail to understand usage, and don’t know when to employ “Democrat” versus “Democratic.” We suspect they’re misusing “Democrat” on purpose, a practice that began recently under President Bush, but as Jon noted, goes back at least to Sen. Joseph McCarthy. For pushing the envelope of the English language by delving deeply into reverse semiotics and the power of thematic repetition, as well as for their robust explorations into the tenuous relationship between truth and meaning, the RPOF deserved an A, but turned in a term paper late. GRADE: B.

— Columnist Frank Rich, commenting on the Supreme Court confirmation hearings, and the hypocrisy and isolation of the Republican senators who questioned her.

Carrie Prejean to Speak at DTD Exchange ‘09

Tallahassee-–The Republican Party of Florida today announced Carrie Prejean is a model and former beauty queen from Vista, California. She held the title of Miss California USA 2009, and placed first runner up in the Miss USA 2009 pageant. Prejean gained nationwide attention over her answer to a question about same-sex marriage during the Miss USA 2009 pageant.

Drive the Discussion Exchange ’09 will be a gathering for young people from across the State of Florida to discuss the future of the Republican Party. The event is open to all ages, but will focus on young voters, 18 – 35 years of age. The Exchange will include a keynote address by Bruce Jenner, special guest speaker Jonathan Krohn, panel discussions on “the benefits of social networking” and “What does the Republican Party mean to me,” as well as a trade show. Additional speakers will include technology professionals, elected officials, and professional athletes between the ages of 25-40.

The RPOF is really onto something here, with ancient athlete Bruce Jenner and homophobe Prejean, because they are likely to apeal to the 15 to 35-year-old demographic of potential Republicans.

Wonder if there’s a swimsuit competition.

Rep. Pickering bunked at the C Street house when he served in Congress and Leisha Pickering alleges that Chip and Elizabeth were intimate in the C Street house — which, by the way, is listed in tax records as a church.

If you are keeping score, Pickering the third philandering Christian extremist politician connected with the C Street house to be outed as an adulterer in the last few weeks. The others are Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev.) and Gov. Mark Sanford (R-S.C.). Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.), who is also a C Street resident, has also been mentioned in the scandals. It was allegedly he who counseled Ensign to arrange payments to the family of Ensign’s former mistress.

The house was profiled in the Washington Post on June 26:

On any given day, the rowhouse at 133 C St. SE — well appointed, with American flag flying, white-and-green-trimmed windows and a pleasant garden — fills with talk of power and the Lord. At least five congressmen live there, quietly renting upstairs rooms from an organization affiliated with “the Fellowship,” the obsessively secretive Arlington spiritual group that organizes the National Day of Prayer breakfast, an event routinely attended by legions of top government officials. Other politicians come to the house for group spirituality sessions, prayer meetings or to simply share their troubles…

People familiar with the house say the downstairs is generally used for meals and prayer meetings. Volunteers help facilitate prayer meetings, they said. Residents include Reps. Mike Doyle (D-Pa.), Bart Stupak (D-Mich.) and Zach Wamp (R-Tenn.), Ensign and Coburn.

Sanford was a frequent visitor but did not live in the house during his term in Congress — he saved money by living in his office.

Chip Pickering’s voting record hewed to the right-wing extreme of the “family values” line. He voted for constitutional amendments banning same-sex marriage in 2006 and 2004, and for a ban on gay adoptions in the District of Columbia in 1999. Other glaring hypocrisies in his record include:

- While engaged in the affair with Creekmore Byrd, Pickering said of President Bill Clinton: “I think for the good of the country and the good of his own family it would be better for him to resign. When someone puts himself forward for public office, then his personal conduct does become relevant.” [Washington Times, 8/20/98]

- Pickering explained his support of a constitutional gay marriage ban, stating: “Marriage as an institution between one man and one woman promotes the best interest of the husband and wife, and the best interests of children.” [Mississippi Link, 7/20/06]

Leisha Pickering’s lawsuit alleges that Chip Pickering and Creekmore Byrd were college sweethearts whose affair continued after the Pickerings married and started a family. Leisha Pickering even cites an incident when Creekmore Byrd rented a house near the site where the Pickerings and their five children were vacationing in Colorado.

If the name Pickering rings a bell, Chip’s father, Charles Pickering was the Mississippi judge whose nomination to the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals by George W. Bush was quashed by Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee over allegations that Pickering had allowed racist views to affect his actions on the bench.

In 2007, Chip Pickering was on Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour’s short list to replace Sen. Trent Lott when Lott announced he was leaving the Senate to work as a lobbyist. On August 16, Pickering announced that he was leaving Congress, in part, he said, to spend more time with his family. In her suit, Leisha Pickering alleges that Pickering turned down the Senate seat because of his affair:

[The] congressman turned it down after [Creekmore Byrd] “insisted” that their relationship could not continue if he accepted the seat, as he would have to stay married for public appearances. She allegedly gave him an ultimatum, and he chose her.

Pickering filed for divorce in June 2008. He now works for a telecom company owned by Creekmore Byrd’s family.

Less than a week after Sarah Palin — who has all of George Bush’s intellectual deficiencies and then some — announced she is walking away from her job as governor of Alaska midway through her first term, USA Today found that 71 percent of Republicans would vote for her for president in 2012:

When it comes to a potential presidential run, the USA TODAY Poll displays Palin’s strength in the Republican base and weakness among swing voters, who traditionally decide national elections. Republicans by 71 percent-27 percent say they’d be likely to vote for her if she ran for president in 2012, while independents by 51 percent-44 percent would not.

As Todd Purdum put it in his profile of Palin in the August issue of Vanity Fair, “What does it say about the nature of modern American politics that a public official who often seems proud of what she does not know is not only accepted but applauded?”

The question ought to be, what does it say that two such proud underachievers are applauded so roundly by the same party in the same decade.